Your Kids Need to be Part of the Crew and Not the Passengers

We all love our children and cannot imgaine our life without them. But how often do we feel like they are in the way? Or that they make our life more difficult?

• We tell them to go play because we are busy right now.
• We get mad at them for being disruptive and interferring our work.
• We work all day and then come home, exhausted, snapping at them for any irritating little thing they do, even if it’s normal child behaviour.
• We demand that they help with house work, but they whine and complain about it, so we get irritated and then they don’t like us and grudgingly drag their feet while doing what we asked, if that.
• They come to us and ask us to take them somewhere or do something with them, but it’s at a bad time and we are so busy right now, so we say we’ll do it later.

Kids growing up in that kind of environment end up feeling like they are not needed. Sure they know that you love them, but they feel like they’re just there, existing.

Don’t let your kids feel like this. Make them feel needed. Michael Pearl, in his book, Jumping Ship, used this awesome analogy of a family ship. Imagine your family is running a ship. Your own family ship. Now think of the roles that crew members play on a ship vs the passengers. Crew members, even though all their responsibilities are different, are an essential part in making sure the ship, and everything on it, runs smoothly. You need each other. You rely on each other.

The passengers, on the other hand, are just there. Hanging around. Once they get tired of this ship, they move to another one. One that’s more entertaining.

Are your kids passengers, or are they part of the crew?

Make them a member of the crew. They need to all have a part. An important part. One that is needed to make the ship sail smoothly.

Now, you might say, “Well, great analogy, how do I put that in practice?“

Talk to your kids. Have a family meeting. It would be awesome if both parents are present, but it’s not necessary. I do most of the parenting “talks” myself and then just tell my husband what I talked to them about so he’s aware of it. Tell them how everyone’s part in the family is equally important. That we all need to work together to make sure everyone is having a good time.

I’ll give you an example of what I said to my kids… (they were about 4-7yo at that time)

“So you know how we all like to have fun? You guys like to have fun, I like to have fun. You guys like to play with your legos, or play outside. I like to sit on the couch and read books, play games with you, or go out to somewhere fun. But there are some things that just need to be done. Whether its fun or not.” (I have them think of a few).

“Dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning. Don’t we all benefit from all of this? We all need to eat, we all need clean clothes, we all enjoy living in a clean space. You think I do all these things because it’s fun for me? You think I do it because I like it? No! I do it because it needs to be done. Because I want our lives to be enjoyable. So, because we all live in this house and we all enjoy the benefits of a clean house, clothes, and good food, we all need to do our part in making it happen. If we all share the work load, things will get done faster and we will all have more time to do fun things.” (Feel free to give the example of crew members on the ship)

I didn’t have an official sit down meeting, I kind of just discussed this as we were making and having breakfast. It wasn’t just a one time thing and then all of a sudden everyone was hard at work. This concept had to be brought up multiple times later, esp when they’re not in the mood to do anything. I still continue to remind them when they start slacking.

Now, along with the talk, you also want to have some sort of a plan. An idea of what exactly it is that they need to help out with. What is going to be their “job” on the ship? Don’t think you can tell them they need to help out and then they will magically start asking you what you want them to do. Nope. Kids need direction. Sometimes very specific direction.

You want to have list of things/tasks you want to delegate ready to go.

Things kids can do

• load/unload dishwasher
• set the table
• clean bathrooms
• clean table and counters after meals
• sweep/mop the floor
• vacuum
• take out the trash
• help with meal prep
• mow the lawn
• clean up toys

For me, this is when I made it their responsibility to do their own laundry. I would not be folding their clothes any more. No, they were not good at folding, esp the 4yo, but I’ve showed them how to do it before, so they knew how and would get better over time. The idea of a wrinkled tshirt didn’t bother me at that point. As long as they were doing the job.

Another thing I delegated was unloading and loading the dishwasher. I had them choose their own days which helped them feel like this was all their idea. They chose 2 days each, which would leave one day for me:). I took care of the big things, like pots and pans(until age 8/9), but everything else they could do on their own.

I also had them choose a day to tidy up their bathroom. The bathroom that they all shared. And if they all did their part on their day, the bathroom would always stay clean and the work would always be easy.

Of course, their room was a no brainer. Your room, your responsbility to keep it clean. I would deep clean it for them occasionally, but it was their job to keep it tidy on a day to day basis. (sidenote: my son was able to master this, but the girls not so much. I’m starting to think they have tornadoes going through their room on a bi weekly basis).

Even as it becomes a normal thing, everyone pitching in and helping around the house, you still need to show your appreciation. Tell your kids how much you appreciate them for the work that they do. Tell them how they are making your life more enjoyable. Tell them how they were super helpful, and you really needed it. Make sure they know that not only do they need you, but that you also need them.

Now, you dont want to just make them do the work and then go sit on the couch and scroll IG or watch YouTube videos. That is one sure way to make them feel like you just need them to do all the work. And they will despise doing it.

Work with them. Work together. Make it fun. Talk while you clean the kitchen. While you cook. That way they will truly feel like you are all a team and they’re not just doing the dirty work because you’re the parent and can make them do whatever. And then after the work is done, go play together.

Their childhood will not be ruined by them working alongside you. They will grow feeling appreciated and valued. Feeling like they matter, like they are an important part of the family. They will feel needed. And when a child feels needed, they won’t have a desire to jump to another ship as they grow older. They will want to stay on their family ship until they are ready to start running their own.